1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest just before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you're not getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart, even if you tried to keep it quiet.
7. Always remember you are unique. Just like everybody else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of phone payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like "The Force". It has a light side and a dark side and holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning if your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...Then things get worse.
26. Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday.....around age 11.
30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
31. Empty your mindů oh, and flush the toilet.